How To Get to Third Base Without Losing Your Dignity

Step one, you don’t beg-
Since Freud pointed out that behavior
Is clay shaped during your first few months of existing
As early as possible, attend to your back-end priorities
Or come out as a homophobe, then a closet homophile,
and suffer from chronic analphilia.

Step two, don’t throw booty calls in the night
Don’t write poetry about the object of desire
Don’t retweet tweets about to project
indirect arrows to lusty lady love,
or she will hold you down and
force you to kiss the
pink clam pearls.
Maybe, in your dreams,
one hand down in your pants.
Just a disclaimer.

Step three, show brute force-
Never compromise for anything second, (base, that is)
Never haggle for bargain, or appeal to mercy
or kindness, or generosity, or reciprocation
Since Neil stuck the pole on the face of the moon,
Nobody had to ask for it.
Never be nice. Blame the bullies in
grade school for turning you into
an underachiever in school
and an overachiever
in bed.

Step four, don’t say thank you,
and write poetry about it.

Although some might argue that section 2, verse 2 contradicts the final line of the ancient instructional poem, we’d like to tell our readers to assume the theory of What Comes Later Wins- as suggested in the case of the Bible – and indulge in immortalizing the fact that you were 20 and you failed to hit three bases.

But it’s okay, people say,
We’re sure Zuckerberg didn’t get any
blowjobs for building
Facebook.

When he did and you’re just saying that
to make yourself feel
better / bitter

END!

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