20

Dear Marc,

As of 3am today I was on a ride home after a night of drinking with some friends when Sweet Disposition made its way into the speakers and through the open windows of the 80-or-so moving car, and I was reminded of the fact that I’ve stepped part away from being a teenager and saying my hellos to being 20

They say age is a number and I believe so, I still feel like 14, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it at all. 

The song playing on the road with the wind whipping at my face and half drunk singing till my throat goes hoarse, I’m reminded of all the good parts of being a reckless, no-shit teenager who’s had a fair share of all the bullshit everyone’s allowed to do so when they’re young,

All the wrong loves,

All the wrong feelings,

All the wrong things done out of curiosity,

And out of spite,

All the dumb phone calls past 2,

All the skipped homework,

All the sleepless nights-

I don’t know but what it feels to know that I’m 20 are a lot of things – Playstation 1 is 20 years old, the internet in the Philippines turns 20 with me, also, Grade 4 was 10 years away, (which in fact is one of the best years of my life), and I’m saying goodbye to the license of being and living as a shitfaced teenager struggling to find my place in the world.

In the middle ages you were 16 and expected to fill your duty to your lord and family,

But now I’m 20 and haven’t figured a shitpiece of what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I’m often too drunk and stoned for my own sake, and I’ve done a lot of sleepless nights over things I’m sure wouldn’t matter 10 years from now, but I haven’t still figured out what I really want from life – or maybe we aren’t bent to discover that as a destination but a part of a journey?

I was 13 when my mom saw a condom in my wallet and took it away

I was 14 when I slept myself thin throughout all the math and algebra classes cause I cant give a shit

I was 15 when I basically gave up trying to be a decent person

I was 16 when I punched walls for a girl I really liked

I was 17 when I flunked high school and got cannonballed

I was 18 when I lied and lied and lied just to be somwhere I want to be

I was 19 and perpetually stoned

and all of the missed deadlines and projects and the passed-up opportunities and all the wrong things I’ve said and done, to friends I lost, to all the barf-stained floors and cigarette butts on the wrong places, all the white and the black lies, all the hurts and all the bleeding fists, all the songs I’ve forgotten that they exist, is all worth the ride:

Cause Ias 13 when I took up the name Dong Quixote and vowed to always to stick to what I believed in,

I was 14 when I knew what I wanted to do in life, which was to create

I was 15 and I stuck to do what I love

I was 16 when I learned that you have to love yourself first before others

I was 17 when I discovered that everything happens for a reason

I was 18 when I promised myself to never to be comfortable and be always hungry to learn

I was 19 and learned that life happens when you live it, burn yourself up, grow tired, face stress, stretched taut and thin, say all the wrong things and make as many mistakes as possible- and discover that you’ll only need good friends in your life, with or without the alcohol, to get along really fine. And a good meadow and wind on your face.

It’s 4:24 am and am part drunk but this is the best I could do. I’m burnt out from all the work that’s around me and I have a lot to do today (today!) but nonetheless I’m 20, and still feel like 14, and I don’t feel I’ll ever change anymore – but for the better.

Here comes another stage of your life that’s such a mystery- much more than figuring out your place in your friends and which scene your in or which course to take- a mystery that will take you places, which will make you learn more things, a mystery that will take tons of time and effort to go through, and might never eventually solve – but when you’re there, you’ll know.

Think like 14, Act like 20.

Happy birthday, self.

2014

 

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