Sit up and be a man.
I found myself praying again to God about all the things around me recently. For once in my life again, I needed signs, or a direction, inspiration, an answer to find in between the sheets. I am clueless. I wish I had someone to tell all of this to, a present father, maybe.
For the most part all the things I’ve learned are from my travels down the rabbit hole. All the things curiosity led me up to now is who I am. Never did I remember a father who forced me to be someone I’m not, and which is not always a good thing. I believe boys should learn a lot from their fathers at an early age. Fathers are ever boy’s gold mine of directions in life. It is how a fathers behave do childrens pattern their decisions in life, whether to adapt or avoid what was before their eyes in their father’s actions.
My father has been away for the most part of my life but it never meant that he was not there. He always could do much with the time he stays off-sea with us. In these short periods of time he’d fix a lot of stuff around the house, make small benches and chairs out of scrap wood. He even built my brother and I a wooden slide when we were younger, and I remember that wooden slide being dumped at the back of our new house when we moved. You know where things go when there’s no space. Only but the back seat.
I’ve always had problems which I think only fathers can answer to their sons. I didn’t fare too bad in Elementary school in an all-boys school, and even though my papa wanted me to do a lot more martial arts, I did more (and better) in fine arts more than I could than fighting someone in a ring. I’ve seen papa hold the guitar and sing while playing it but it took him years to know that I was writing songs in my bedroom. I might not sound so tough saying those things but I’ve found my own way how to deal with conflict whenever it comes.
The real thing was about girls. I was clueless most of the time but (up until now) I’ve always followed my gut instinct and things sure go okay, sometimes better than I thought it would be. I wish I had him whenever I met somebody new, or whenever I’ve had rough patches with the girl I’m with, but for the most part he wasn’t there, or I was too far from him to tell him those things. There are days when I wish he’d be there for me to answer my questions, but I could hardly reach him through Email and an occassional phone call.
Maybe in another life, I will fix things with my father. Maybe in this life. I don’t want him to grow too old and think of me as a stranger. Someday I will be able to tell him stories about my life and who I am and I’ll tell him the last fistfight I’ve had, or the girls I’ve kissed..
But for now it’s on my own. I have to do this by myself and I hope things will turn out good. Or I will make them.