It Always Gets the Best of Me

I’m all surrounded by this phony culture man, I feel dangerous like the guy who shot Lennon six times in the chest. I have a big something against phony-ism, it just feels too synthetic.

There are a lot of things inside my head. I’m scared about my future. I’m scared of screwing up again. I’m afraid to take chances. But I couldn’t care less. I just frightens me a lot ever since I was little, about my future. No security. I’m not worried about myself. A lot more about my family. I’m the older kid, and my brother’s doing fine, I guess. But I’m more of a bipolar person..

I don’t see anyone on the both sides of my family who truly supports me. My mom and dad is an exception though, even if they don’t fully understand what it do. I hope they forgive me for being such a useless firstborn. In every family reunion I feel inferior compared to some of my cousins. They always said I showed much promise but now, I don’t think so. Much like in school I’m a defunct member of my family, a black sheep. Sometimes I prefer being alone rather than coming to family gatherings because, just saying, I don’t feel that comfortable. My cousins are somewhat distant to me but for some few exceptions. It’s just that they’re just so proud of what their kids do and I don’t get that a lot. It depresses, thinking about that.

They think I just roll around all day. They don’t even know I write. I don’t know, I’m frustrated. When I’m gone I’m gonna shove it all into their face, saying ‘I’m fucking alive when I was around, you just didn’t give a shit.’ Just because I dropped out of Scihi in my senior year doesn’t give me a ticket that I’m incompetent. Or am I, really? I have mixed thoughts about myself. Some nights, I don’t feel like living at all. Some nights I feel like just flying away and become someone else. Someone who doesn’t have to put up with himself and his  constant bouts against his dual ego.

I feel useless. I feel unappreciated. Maybe that is a reason why I have so much in my plate, everyday. I’m always trying to busy myself, up and around. Out of the frustration to become appreciated, I go and find a place to be one. Out of the frustration to get noticed by a family that looks down on what I do, or never gave me such great promise.. It’s depressing. It’s depressing, really. It always gets the best of me.


One thought on “It Always Gets the Best of Me

  1. if only you knew how much i respect you for doing what you love. you’re pretty great and you should know that. i have always admired you through the years. your art, your music, your writing, your outlook on life, etc. you’re pretty much my idol, man 🙂 be proud of yourself


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