Meditation

I spent today rolling on my sheets. I also took a bath after two days of not caring to take one.  I guess that’s it. Today’s not a bore. I like it. I like the silence all around. Neighbors out on their own travels, either leaving on boats or on wheels. I don’t want to talk about that.

Earlier this morning I had another nostalgia attack. I was sitting right at the window in our living room and I was looking at the sky. Twas so blue it reminded me of a time almost seven years ago. You know, the crossing over of childhood to adolescence. It’s a time where everyone acts like they know what they’re talking about, but no. Some of the cooler kids have girlfriends already, some of the kids go out at malls during the weekends, have their buddies and stuff, but I was one of the people who couldn’t care less. Well, yeah, I listen to all their crap about their girlfriends in 5th grade and shit, but I’m.. Uh, let’s just say I’m not as eager as them when it comes to growing up. I spent a lot of time reading books and enjoying domestic freedom because at least it’s happiness and it’s for free. But probably seven years ago, that wasn’t on my mind.

You know how people are never contented of where they are. When we’re young we can’t wait to become adults. We often as always pretend and prove to ourselves and everyone else that we are. Because growing up is so cool, you can drink and drive, go to work, have sex and all. That was seven years ago. Everyone was rushing to taste adulthood. Or somewhat.

But now I’m here. I’m not saying I’m already an adult but in less than a month, I will be legal. I’m here in a time where you are demanded of a responsibility. You need to grow up. You need to be practical, rational, pragmatic. All of that. You need to take care of your ID’s, your license, your papers, documents, bills, shit, and I’m not even starting to get on with life and I’m sort of tired. It feels like driving. When you’re new into it you just so want to drive all day. That’s all you want to do. But four days, five days, you get tired of it. You can’t stop talking about it at first but soon enough you’ll get bored by the messy drivers honking and trying to overtake you. I guess that’s a lot like life. Driving. I mean, I can sit in the back seat but what good does it do?

And another thing, when people grow up, they become big phonies. Holden Caufield of Catcher in the Rye talks a lot about phonies. It seems like all he notices are phonies. And how actors mess up on stage. And how actors act not-so-human. How unnatural they look like when they’re trying to portray life. Well there isn’t any definition for phony to me, but the sense of it works. Phonies, you know.. Trying to act like it. Tryna fake it. When you grow up you can act like a real phony and suck your boss’s balls for Pete’s sake. Then you get a promotion. You can get all phony and dress up pretty and fix your hair and look sexy in front of the camera just so you get popular. So people will think you’re pretty, or beautiful. I’ve said this a lot of times but I think society today loves being some piece of phony. It’s like you’re trying to beautiful for everyone! Some people feel like they shine when they walk around. I have nothing against them but you know, when there’s too much trying to be good for everyone in your head, it gets into you, and you become a lousy, phony piece of crap nobody wants to give a shit about. I’m sorry but I couldn’t.

You know sometimes I feel like a dangerous kind of person. I read too much books that change the way I think, but maybe that’s just taste. Just like what my friend Mina said in party when I told her I never heard of the songs the kids are dancing to today, ‘you don’t live in a cave. It’s just that it comes to you naturally. You have taste.’ 

I guess that’s it. Maybe I’m not cut out trying to be one of the fishes. I get so bothered feeling too normal, or feel like a nobody. I don’t want to live trying to be handsome and you know, all of that bullshit, because there’s more to life than that, I guess. There’s more to life than wasting your time pleasing everyone that comes your way. But that doesn’t mean you have to be an ass. With this in mind probably I’m a.. Neutral Moralist. Say, I’m not going to heaven or hell just because I stay undecided? No, I decide a lot. I just don’t do it so I’ll end up in heaven. I’ll end up anywhere, say. I’m going to regret writing this. But nah.

The best thing I did today was probably meditate. I had a good time meditating before I slept and when I woke up. It feels so good but I don’t know what I’m doing, really, I just squat and close my eyes and think about a white room. Trying to clear out my head from worldly things. I do this whenever I have the chance, and I badly need it right now because of all the stress I’ve been through these past few days. And I need some answers to begin with, a big decision I’m going to make before monday. To move or not to move? I’m torn. I’m torn, really.

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